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Let Me Tell You The Story Of The Greatest Athlete To Ever Live, Bryan Beer

So this week on KFC Radio the question was posed. Would you rather win a piece of the Aggro Crag from GUTS or a Gold Medal. Now in that hypothetical I’m assuming the gold medal is some shitty individual sport that no one cares about. Like a gold medal in Archery vs the Crag. Obviously if we’re talking about a real sport that people watch (Basketball, Hockey, 100M sprint, super slalom etc) I’ll take the Gold Medal, otherwise I’m 100% choosing the Aggro Crag. Thousands upon thousands of people have gold medals in meaningless sports, there are like 200 people tops that have a piece of the glowing rock. That type of uniqueness can’t be beat.

 

Anyway, with the question of GUTS coming up I told the story about the greatest athlete of all time. Back in College when I didn’t ever go to class, my roommate and I used to dvr two things every day. Price is Right and GUTS. And one day, like a flash of light across the midnight sky we happened across the most gifted athlete to ever walk  this earth. A PERFECT SCORE. Never been done. Lapped the competition. Total Domination. You know when people talk about transcendental athletes? Michael Jordan, Barry Sanders, Bo Jackson, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. Guys that made you stop and say wow, I’ve never seen anything like that. Well that’s how I feel when I watch this tape. Bryan Beer is a once in a lifetime athlete. A guy you’ll someday tell your grandchildren about. Size, Speed, Skill, Intelligence. You name it Bryan Beer had it.

 

“Ain’t no one taking my perfect game”

 

 

Now obviously the story doesn’t end there. I think everyone knows by now that I have little shame when it comes to getting in touch with my heroes/internet girlfriends. That’s not something new either. This whole thing went down in 2006/7. Getting in touch with people I see on TV/the internet in sometimes inappropriate ways is something instilled deep inside my heart.

 

So Bryan Beer. 13 year old Bryan Beer Spilled his guts. And part of his GUTS spilling was him mentioning his middle school baseball team. Big Mistake Bryan. I then used this information to find his hometown and through the White Pages get his phone number. And I called. And I spoke to Bryan Beer Senior who told me that Bryan Beer II no longer lives at his house as he is a full grown man. Fair Enough. But at least I had his house number. So I called again on  a couple of holidays, times when Bryan Beer II would be home. I just wanted to talk with him. To ask him how he did it. How he got a Perfect Score. This was like my 30/30 but instead of being a real filmmaker with credentials I was just a college kid trying to call a grown man because he won a Gameshow back in 1994 when he was 13 years old, same thing really. Anyway, after 3-4 times of calling I gave up. Bryan Beer was my Moby Dick, and the white whale conquered me. And honestly, I hadn’t thought of Bryan Beer until last night when we got that Voicemail. And with it all those memories came flooding back. So with the help of the Stoolies I now have Bryan Beer’s email address and I will finish this search. I will speak to Bryan Beer. We will get the full story on what winning the Crag is like. What being a force of nature at such a young age means. I have questions and they will be answered.

 

Bryan Beer, we were destined to be friends. Lets do it.

By Big Cat posted February 7th, 2013 at 12:10 PM

Packers Cheerleader Upset When Her Picture Ends Up On A Bears Facebook Page With The Caption “Like If You Agree The Packers Have The Worst Cheerleaders In The NFL”

 

GREEN BAY – A woman who was a cheerleader this past season for the Green Bay Packers is fighting back against bullying by apparent Chicago Bears fans. Kaitlyn Collins says that on Feb. 4, someone uploaded a picture of her to the Chicago Bears Fan Facebook page. The photo had the caption ”Like if You Agree The Packers Have The Worst Cheerleaders In The NFL!” As of 8:55 a.m. Thursday, the photo had nearly 3,500 likes and more than 640 comments.

One of the comments says “Doesn’t get uglier.  Truly an eyesore.” Other comments had sexual connotations and vulgarity. Apparently, many Bears fans joined in with Packers fans to denounce the comments. Then, she posted her own video to fight the bullying. She says she asked Facebook to take down the post, but so far, they have not done so. Recently retired Packers wide receiver Donald Driver and current Packers guard T.J. Lang have tweeted their support for her as well.

 

Look, I’m not going to rate this chick’s attractiveness because I honestly don’t give a fuck. But what I don’t like about this whole story is how Kaitlyn is basically crying whoa is me  and how she is some poor victim when she is the one who signed up to be a cheerleader. No one put a gun to her head. No one made her cheerlead. Did she complain when she got to stand on Lambeau field every Sunday in front of 60,000 people? Did she complain when she got all the benefits and perks of being associated with the Packers? I bet she didn’t. Did she love the fact that TJ Lang and Donald Driver gave her attention on twitter? Or that the Milwaukee newspaper ran her story?  I bet she did.

 

So yeah, the internet can be a mean and ugly place sometimes, but guess what honey, you aren’t just some random person picked out of a crowd. You can’t enjoy the benefits of being a Packers cheerleader and be upset when things go south. Life doesn’t work that way.

 

PS
Quick way to make me hate you as a person is to make a youtube video where you force me to read words instead of speaking like a normal human being.

 

Too funny

By Big Cat posted February 7th, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Bulls Exploring Option Of Trading Boozer For Andrea Bargnani

 

The Chicago Bulls and Toronto Raptors have engaged in exploratory trade discussions on a deal that would swap the Bulls’ Carlos Boozer for the Raptors’ Andrea Bargnani, according to sources familiar with the discussions.

Other players with smaller contracts would have to be added to the deal to make the salary-cap math work should talks indeed progress to a more serious level. But sources told ESPN.com on Thursday that both teams have considered the move.

From Chicago’s perspective, sources said, Bargnani’s arrival could help address its glaring lack of 3-point shooting and brighten the overall look of its payroll, given the Italian forward makes $5 million less than Boozer this season.

Despite his well-chronicled defensive deficiencies, Bargnani would figure to be an effective pick-and-roll partner for Derrick Rose once the point guard makes his expected return from knee surgery after the All-Star break.

The biggest impediment to such a trade, sources said, is believed to be whether Toronto can realistically afford having both Rudy Gay and Boozer on its payroll beyond this season.

The Raptors, who acquired Gay from Memphis last week, have been openly shopping Bargnani, who resumed the most disappointing season of his career Wednesday night after missing 26 games with an elbow injury.

Although Toronto’s desire to upgrade its front line is an open secret — as confirmed by its long-running interest in trading for the Los Angeles LakersPau Gasol before the forward’s foot injury this week — it’s believed the luxury-tax implications of trading for Boozer ultimately could dissuade the Raptors from such a deal, even if Chicago proved willing.

Raptors president Bryan Colangelo told local reporters after the Gay trade the team was prepared to stray into luxury-tax territory for the “right transaction.” It remains to be seen whether a deal for Boozer qualifies.

 

My initial reaction

 

My follow up thought – I understand this is a Salary Cap move but I still don’t like it. As bad as Boozer can be for the money we pay him, and he can be bad (just wait for the playoffs), Bargnani is worse. He’s a 7 footer that averages 4.9 rebounds a game. That’s unreal. Yes he can stretch the floor but the one knock on Boozer has always been that he’s soft, well Bargnani is softer. And I understand the allure of cap space in 2014, don’t get me wrong shedding Boozer’s deal should be a priority after this season, but 2014 cap space only happens if Bargnani opts out of his contract. Do you think Bargnani is getting better at basketball? I sure as fuck don’t. So there’s no way he opts out.

 

I will admit that at the end of the day if this deal happens its not the end of the world for three reasons.

1) Bargnani is younger

2) Thibs can make anyone better

3) Bellinelli will have someone to talk to.

 

But even with those 3 things I think I’d still rather have Boozer. Which is incredible because I, like most Bulls fans, have wanted to trade Boozer since forever, just not for Andrea Bargnani.

By Big Cat posted February 7th, 2013 at 6:42 PM

Hey Man, I’m Not A Doctor, But I Think That Hair Dye Is Giving You An Allergic Reaction

 

This is like in “Homer at the Bat” when Ken Griffey Jr. overdoses on Nerve Tonic and gets gigantism, only instead of a cartoon its some douchebro from Florida trying to frost his tips so his flow can pop out of his backwards visor while he rolls some molly at the underground rave.*

 

 

*I may have made up all the stuff about where this kid is from and what his end goal is but then again I sort of didn’t.

 

PS
This is also basically every Friday’s contestant for “Milton Pimp My Look”.

By Big Cat posted February 7th, 2013 at 2:10 PM

It’s Coyote Mating Season So Watch Out For Wild Animals Running Around The City Banging In The Streets Or Eating Your Face Off

Chicagoist - A pair of coyotes were spotted darting across the University of Chicago campus early Wednesday morning. Witnesses say the two toured the Midway Plaisance neighborhood through streets and public areas, starting in Washington Park, going through Jackson Park, then to the U of C campus. Authorities warn it’s mating season, from February to April, and coyotes will be more visible. Pet owners should keep their animals indoors.

 

Mating season is pretty funny if you think about it. Like if you watch that NBC video above you’re essentially watching a rape in progress.  Not that rape’s funny but it totally is when it doesn’t involve humans. That male coyote is going to keep chasing that broad and eventually he’s going to catch up to her and R her and make baby coyotes. And that’s the animal kingdom in a nut(shell). Just hiding out for 10 months out of the year then biology kicks in and you have to go around sexually assaulting each other so your species can survive. Pretty sure if I was a chick coyote I’d just say fuck that noise and go rub against a tree for a few minutes then nap out for the rest of the year but I guess that’s what makes us different.

PS – I fucking hate coyote. They’re pet killers plain and simple. Basically animal nazi’s running around ruining people’s lives.

By neil posted February 7th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Turns Out Kai The Homeless Hitchhiker Is A Fucking Rock Star

 

How about that solo at 0:45, huh? Play it Leo!

PS – Don’t know about you but I was kinda hoping he was gonna smash, smash, SUHMASH that dancing hippy chick over the head with his ukulele.

By neil posted February 7th, 2013 at 12:00 PM

Is It Too Late For “Big Ass Spider” To Be Nominated For An Oscar?

 

Seriously is there room? A few extra seats at a table? Maybe we can take out that French movie Amour that nobody’s seen or fuckin Les Mis and get this smash on the Best Picture list? I mean seriously talk about star power. Basically a who’s who of “Who the fuck is that guy again?” actors that you see every day in minor roles but they’re never big enough to be a star. Like this dude Ray Wise:

 

Who according to his iMDB page has been in pretty much every TV show and movie of the past 25 years. Or the star of the movie who everyone knows as “That guy from Heroes” or “The pilot from Lost”. Love to see them go toe to toe with the Affleck’s and Cooper’s of the world vying for that golden statue. Or at the very least see the visual effects department go up against the North Korean propaganda people for best special effects for making that big ass spider using Windows 95 and photo shopping it in all the shots. Oh well, guess we’ll just have to wait till next year. Hope Kmarko remembers to include it in his awards list.

By neil posted February 7th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

There Has Never Been An Easier Way To Make Money Than Entering The Fan Duel Hockey Tourney; $4,000 Prize Pool This Week

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So last week’s Fan Duel tourney filled up in like 4 seconds. And in the least surprising news ever myself and all the other Barstool writers got absolutely curb stomped. That’s my team up there. 7.6 fucking points spread out over 9 people. Came in 83rd out of 89 spots. Started Corey Crawford and didn’t check to see if Ray Emery was in net who would have like quadrupled my score. A guy whose last name is a synonym for “Cum” scored half my goddamn points.

Anyway the point is that if you’ve ever wanted to capitalize on a quick gambling score this is probably your best bet. Throw down $25 bucks and a good portion of the competition is going to throw out absolute horse shit. We’re upping the ante this week and doubling everything across the board, except the entry price:

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By neil posted February 7th, 2013 at 4:10 PM

I Hope Raffi Torres Gets Knocked The Fuck Out Tonight

 

So tonight is the rematch from last year’s playoff series with the Coyotes and more importantly Raffi Torres’ first time playing the Blackhawks since he jumped in the air like a handicapped kid learning he could walk again and stuffed his shoulder into Hossa’s head. Now obviously the most important thing is winning the game and keeping the early season run going and beating the shit out of Torres shouldn’t overshadow that but at some point during his first shift he needs to get clobbered in the face. Nothing fancy, no blindsides or dirty hits like he’s accustomed to dishing, just a few punches to the skull that maybe concusses his brain or re-arranges the shape of his head. It doesn’t matter how it happens, just that it does. Torres is a fucking weasel and he deserves to get clocked for what he did and the way he plays. Like I said nothing should trump winning the game but absolutely nothing would be better than winning and having that dirty cocksucker laying in a pool of blood. Just sucks the game’s in Phoenix.

PS – If Torres reads this I hope he knows there’s no way a guy with parents from Mexico and Peru comes out looking like that. You were adopted bro plain and simple.

By neil posted February 7th, 2013 at 10:55 AM

The Chili Powder Train Hijackers Who Took Over A Passenger Van To Release A Convict From Police Custody Are Taking India By Storm

Source - Police have sealed the borders of a district in India’s Chhattisgarh state as they hunt for armed men who hijacked a train to set free an accomplice. Police were escorting Upendra Singh, who is serving a life term, to jail after a court appearance on Wednesday. About 10 men boarded the train, overpowered the driver and threw chilli powder in the policemen’s eyes to incapacitate them. This is the second time Singh has escaped from custody. The train driver’s assistant and a policeman were injured during the hijacking late on Wednesday evening. Police say they have now sealed the borders of Raipur district. According to the police, the men boarded the passenger train at Bhilai station. Upendra Singh was on that train with three policemen who were escorting him back to Bilaspur Central jail. He is facing charges of kidnapping and robbery. After overpowering the driver and his assistant, the armed men forced the train to stop where they had a van waiting for them.

 

Holy shit! Train hijackers, escaped convicts, getaway vans, fucking chili powder getting thrown in police officer’s faces. Unbelievable story. This whole thing sounds like that movie SWAT where that guy offers up $100 million dollars to whoever can get him out of jail. Upendra Singh probably went on national TV and said anyone who can get him off that passenger train can have a herd of goats, a couple bootleg DVD’s and wall-to-wall carpeting installed in their family’s mud hut and those 10 Indian hijackers hopped on their camels and high-tailed it to the Bhilai train station in a cocaine heartbeat.

You’d think the cops would have some better resources than that though right? Just hopping aboard a commuter train like it’s no big deal with a convict with a life sentence whose already been busted out of jail once before. Doesn’t seem like the safest bet in the world. Then again they probably don’t have things like “cement” and “roads” where they are so maybe there was no other choice.

 

By neil posted February 7th, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Swedish Guy Gets DUI Charges Dropped Despite Being 5 Times The Legal Limit Because His Tolerance Is High From Drinking Everyday

Hey Sweden there’s some testicles in your wine. Gross bro.

Source – A 61-year-old caught driving with a blood-alcohol level five times over Sweden’s legal limit walked free after a court in southern Sweden cited his high tolerance for alcohol. The man told the court he had been drinking heavily on the day he was pulled over by police in November last year. He had downed the contents of six small snapps bottles and a full-strength beer during the day leading up to his shift, but this was nothing unusual, he claimed. The 61-year-old explained that he drinks every day, even before work, and that the additional 200 millilitres of mulled wine made no difference to his mental state. 

But when he was pulled over, the man had a blood alcohol content of exactly 1.0 promille, five-times over Sweden’s legal limit of 0.2 promille and enough to warrant stiffer charges of aggravated drunken driving. He claimed, however, that he didn’t feel under the influence at all while driving to work. He also blamed the glögg for putting him so far over the limit, but pleaded with the court that he shouldn’t be convicted because he thought the traditional Swedish mulled wine he had been drinking was simply an alcohol-free variety. The court agreed, stating in its ruling that as the man drinks alcohol every day, even before heading to work, he must have a high tolerance for alcohol.

 

Amen! This must be what it felt like when chicks were allowed to vote and blacks could play baseball and shit after Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier. It’s about damn time the drunkard’s suffrage movement got a little respect around here. I mean it’s not a secret anymore that the hierarchy of safe driving goes “buzzed driving > sober driving > shitfaced driving”. Everybody knows the key is you just have to know when to flip the switch and slow down on the booze. Like this Swedish guy. After he finished his 6th bottle of Schnapps, a beer and some mulled wine he probably thought to himself, “Hey easy there Sven, you gotta be at work in a half an hour, might wanna switch to water soon”. That’s called being responsible. Doesn’t matter if you’re BAC is at .2 promille or 1.0 promille like this dude’s, all that matters is you know your limits. And this 61 year old alcoholic lunatic knows his limits plain and simple. I’m just glad the courts finally had the wherewithal to recognize that.

By neil posted February 7th, 2013 at 10:15 AM

Barstool Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Josie

Introducing Josie from Park Ridge. Killer eyes, killer body, killer smile, killer everything for Josie. Great way to close out a great smoke week.

Loading up for next week as we speak. Hit us up at Chicagotips@barstoolsports.com with a Facebook link and a name so we can message smokes and get them on the site. Viva.

By neil posted February 7th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy Who Made His Mom Open Mouth Kiss Him So That He Could Get Drugs In Jail?

 

Yates County, N.Y. (Source) – Kimberly Margeson, a 54-year-old New York woman was jailed Tuesday after she allegedly smuggled drugs to her inmate son by placing pills into her mouth and then transferring them to him by way of an open mouth kiss. According to the Yates County Sheriff’s Office, Margeson was visiting her son at the Yates County Jail when she attempted to smuggle Oxycodone pills to him by placing the pills inside her mouth and then delivering them to him via a goodbye kiss that is sure to have the inmate population talking. 

Investigators say Margeson visted her son, 30-year-old William Partridge, while he was being detained at the jail on unrelated charges. At approximately 1:00 p.m., Margeson passed the contraband to her son and then prepared to leave the jail. Instead, Margeson was booked into jail and charged with felony criminal sale of a controlled substance and promoting prison contraband. She was released after posting $2,000 cash bail. Patridge was charged with promoting prison contraband and is scheduled to be arraigned on the new charge on Feb. 11.

 

This is sort of like in Half Baked when Bob Saget asks Chapelle if he’s ever sucked dick for coke.

Have you ever open mouth kissed your mom for weed? Because THAT’S an addiction.

 

But to this story. I feel like these two couldn’t be more diametrically opposed people. Bill Partridge needs to clean his shit up. I mean I know we always joke about “rock bottom” and being hungover and making bad decisions but this is different.  There really is no rock bottom quite like Frenching your mom just so you can get high. That’s a look at yourself in the mirror and question ALL of your life choices moment if I’ve ever seen one.

 

But on the other side, you have Kimberly Margeson. Mom of the year material. I mean my mom complains every time I get drunk at family events. Telling me I’m a disappointment and that I have a “problem”. I can’t even imagine what she would say if I asked her to meet me down at the jailhouse for some open mouth kissing and oxy. But Kim Margeson? No problem.  You want to french lets french. No questions asked. That’s a mom I want to share a foxhole with.  I respect the fuck out of that kind of loyalty in a person.

 

Oh and double Whammy for Bill. If you’re going to kiss your mom you would hope she’s at least somewhat hot. Not an actual man.

By Big Cat posted February 7th, 2013 at 9:40 AM

Vomit Everywhere

Just to recap: Being a skinny supermodel doing the dougie at a Clippers game = Hot. Eating your body weight in cheese and french fries after becoming famous and fake raping for a headphone company = Gross.

PS – I held out forever on thinking Kate Upton was fat but after seeing this pic I think there’s about a 99% chance she did this shoot for Skull Candy thinking she’d get to eat actual candy all day.

By neil posted February 7th, 2013 at 11:30 AM
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