The Union Bar
Iowa City, IA
March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
The Boulder Theater
March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
March 20th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
House Of Blues
Myrtle Beach, SC
April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 11th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 12th, 2014 9:00 PM
April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
New York City, NY
April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
New Haven, CT
January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
East Stroudsburg, PA
March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people drop bombs in the studio quite like Lee Crooks and sound engineer Milt Smith. Just slaving away like Dr. Dre in the lab like they’re producing beats for Detox or some shit. But instead of making gangster rap songs about smoking weed and murdering people they’re figuring out if you pronounce the word Exit as “Egg-zit” or “X-it” and re-recording the word “transfer” like 100 times to get the emphasis right. Just masters at work plain and simple.
Kinda surprised Lee Crooks kept his voice so low when he was on the train so nobody could hear him though. Dollars to donuts says whenever he drops that tone bitches have to fight each other trying to rape him. You’ve got a gift bro, don’t be afraid to use it.
PS – The look of disappointment on Crooks face the first time he says “Roosevelt Road” at 0:13 is the stuff of legends. Just so mad at himself.
DM - If you thought some of the events in the London 2012 Olympic Games looked gruelling then think again. These bizarre pictures show competitors taking part in India’s Rural Olympics. And the sports are not for the fainthearted. Games include being run over by farm machinery, bullock chariot racing, horseback acrobatics and other weird demonstrations of strength.
Hey Shaun White you and your snowboard can suck a dick bro. I’d love to see that little ginger headed tomato try and get run over by a tractor or carry a couple of Huffy 10 speeds through a cricket field with his
teeth gums or balance a trebuchet on his face like a legit athlete. Kid wouldn’t last one day in that life, yet he’s revered here because he can slope down a mountain and do backflips with snowboards so advanced they basically do all the hard shit for you nowadays. Seriously why were the X Games all up in my face the last couple weeks when 130 year old snake charmers and medicine men are foot racing in the hills of Punjab? Give me real athletic freaks like these Indian bros any day of the week.
Hey Remember That Time A Stilt Walker Accidentally Lit His Face On Fire At The Chicago Civic Opera House On Monday?
THE LOOP — A fire-blowing stilt walker was hospitalized in critical condition after accidentally setting his face on fire during a performance in front of 1,000 people at the Civic Opera House Monday, officials said. While officials initially said the 24-year-old actor was in good condition, he later was rushed to Loyola in critical condition. The dress rehearsal production was in the final act of Richard Wagner’s “Die Meistersinger von Nürnberg,” a 5 1/2-hour opera.
“An actor sustained burns this afternoon at Lyric Opera of Chicago during a dress rehearsal,” the opera company said in a written statement. “The actor, Wesley Daniel, was performing a fire-spitting effect while on stilts. He was wearing a flameproof costume and mask.” While the statement didn’t explain what went wrong, Drew Landmesser, the Lyric’s deputy general director, said outside the Civic Opera House that Daniel was involved in a “performance on stilts in costume” when “fuel must have gotten on his face.” Chicago Fire Department spokesman Larry Langford said Daniel “ignited some alcohol” during a “fire-breathing routine.” Mia Rehwaldt, a fifth-grader who was one of eight child performers in the show, was startled when the man caught fire and fell. “It was pretty scary … [and] nerve-wracking,” she said after the show. “I don’t think people see a person’s head get covered in flames and fall down very often.”
Ummm, I’m pretty sure if I had to watch a FIVE AND A HALF HOUR Opera let alone be in it I would light my face on fire too. I’m actually shocked this didn’t happen earlier. I honestly can’t think of one thing that I would want to do for 5 1/2 hours without lighting myself on fire. Sex? Absolutely not. 5 1/2 minutes is more than enough. Drinking? Maybe if I was still 21. Watching Sports. Toss up, but 5 1/2 hours is a LONG time. Seriously, the only thing people do for that long of a time is work, and everyone on the planet hates work. So yeah, I’m sure it was an “accident”. I’m sure it wasn’t Wesley Daniel just saying, you know what, fuck Richard Wagner for making Die Meistersinger Von Nurnberg 4 hours too long, I’m fucking out of here. Honestly, 3rd degree burns to your face will eventually heal, watching a 5 1/2 hour opera stays with you forever.
Love interviewing a 5th grader about the time she saw a guy blow his face up. That was some solid journalism. And credit where credit is due. That fifth grader was fucking COMPOSED
“It was pretty scary … [and] nerve-wracking,” she said after the show. “I don’t think people see a person’s head get covered in flames and fall down very often.”
When I was in 5th grade I saw Roald Dahl’s Witches and didn’t sleep for 6 months straight. And here’s Mia Rehwaldt watching people burn their face off and giving interviews like she’s the president or something. That 11 year old girl has bigger balls than I do.
Saw this last week and forgot to blog about it but I literally thought my TV was broken when I noticed it. One star for Gone In 60 Seconds. One fucking star for one of the best action thrillers in the past 20 years. And I’m not even kidding when I say this but outside of how great the movie is it might be the best casted movie in history outside of like Pulp Fiction, Ocean’s 11 and the Departed. Nic Cage and Giovanni Ribisi as the Raines brothers. Angelina Jolie was perfect as that crazy bitch Sway trying to stuff her gash with the gear shift. The Sphinx blowing shit up was awesome. Robert Duvall being like 95 years old and committing felonies non-stop. That huge black dude and the cop from Justified as the two detectives. Literally every role was executed flawlessly. I don’t know if Comcast makes these rankings or what but whoever provides them is a grade A fucking idiot. I could literally watch this movie twice a day for the rest of my life and die happier than anybody on the entire planet. Get out of my face with one star. 5/5 stars all day, every day.
Just In Case You Were Thinking About Committing Vehicle Theft, Garage Burglary Or Basically Anything That Can Be Classified As Non-Murder, Now’s A Good Time To Do It Because CPD Won’t Respond To Those Calls
Chicago Sun Times - With aldermen bracing for the political fallout, Chicago is implementing a dramatic change in 911 dispatch to free the equivalent of 44 police officers a day to respond to the most serious crimes. As of Sunday, police officers are no longer responding in person to reports of a vehicle theft, garage burglary, or crime where the victim is “safe, secure and not in need of medical attention” and the offender is “not on the scene and not expected to return immediately.”
Hey whatever CPD thinks they gotta do they should do. Probably a good idea to switch up policing strategies on account of a fucking murder epidemic. Definitely on board with that. Kinda confused why they would make all this information public though? Like all you have to say is “We’re altering our approach to stopping violent crime”. Boom, you’re done. Just wrap that up right up there and maybe leave out all the details describing how you won’t respond to any crime where the victim isn’t bleeding out and in need of immediate medical attention. Kind of a tip off to all the criminals ya know. Seems like an invitation to pull some Memphis Raines shit so long as you don’t stab someone in the neck while doing it.
Also gotta love the little caveat about not showing up to a scene if the offender is “not expected to return immediately”. Good call guys, that’ll fool em! Way to narrow it down!
PS – Who commits garage theft?
If Your Argument For Why Chicago Sucks Is That There Are A Lot Of Murders Then You’ve Either Never Been Here Or Are A Simple Minded Moron
So I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a while but this morning Mo wrote about our Police department and how crazy the Chicago murder rate is. Saying ” there are places (Chicago) where the murder rate is so high the police no longer have time to respond to burglaries and stolen cars”. First of all, Philadelphia’s murder rater is higher than Chicago’s. That’s not opinion either. That’s fact. Proven. In fact there are 15 cities that have higher murder rates than Chicago. (2012 hasn’t been released yet but I guarantee the muder rate will be very similar).
But that wasn’t Mo’s real point. His point was that its fucked up our Cops can’t deal with other crime because there are so many murders, which I agree with, that is fucked up. But here’s the thing. The perception that Chicago is some dying city where everyone murders each other and people can’t walk around without fearing for their life could not be farther from the truth. Yet everyday that’s like the number 1 argument by Chicago Haters. It makes no sense.
Is the murder rate a problem? Of course it is. But Chicago is the third biggest city in America. If Chicago was a country it would be bigger than half of the countries in the world. Murders are going to happen. Police are going to be stretched thin. Its part of being a gigantic city with millions of people. But that doesn’t mean the city is the next Detroit or that Afghanistan is safer (people actually say this). Yes, there are terrible neighborhoods but every single big city in America has terrible neighborhoods. I wouldn’t go to Compton in LA, or Mattapan or Dorchester in Boston, or Hunts Point or South Bronx in New York City, or West Philly at night. Just like I wouldn’t go to Englewood or Garfield Park or Washington Park at night. Never have I felt unsafe in Chicago. Just because some numbers say we had the most murders last year doesn’t mean the City is some unsafe war zone. That line of thinking is absolutely moronic. It would be like saying I don’t fly on planes because a 747 crashed in Russia last year. Literally no different. Taking one piece of information and making a general statement about an entire city. Beyond Stupid.
And for anyone who hasn’t been to Chicago, honestly come visit. I have never heard one person say they had a bad time here. No joke. Every person who has come to this city loves everything about it. Just don’t come in January.
Hopefully this isn’t like last month when I said my immune system was amazing then got the flu the very next week.
North Korea’s New Propaganda Video Depicting An Attack On The US Is Super Scary Until You Realize It’s Just Footage From Call Of Duty
Attacks start at 2:05
Make no mistake if it was 1985 I would be absolutely shitting in my pants watching this video. Futuristic graphics, instant classic “We are the World” bumping in the background, images of America burning to the ground. All really scary stuff. I guess in that regard it’s kind of a bummer for Bad Korea that it’s actually 2013, those graphics fucking suck, the song is super creepy and almost 30 years old and the images of America burning to the ground is really just footage from Modern Warfare 3. Basically the definition of an “Aw shucks” moment when everybody figures all that out within like 2 hours of you dropping your big propaganda video. Kind’ve reminds me of all the flac Apple got when they released the new iPhone and the Google maps didn’t work except in this case a country of goddamn lunatics is trying to scare everyone in the world with technology from 20 years ago.
Apparently the idea behind the video is the kid is dreaming and when America gets bombed it’s his dream coming true. Pretty sure even Hitler would wake up from that and think “Damn that was a FUCKED up dream”. Not sure what that says for the rest of the world that the Koreans fantasize about this shit.
Introducing Nicole from Columbia. Exotic to the max. Can’t beat it.
That’s a solid start to the week. Let’s finish just as strong the next two days. Hit us up at Chicagotips@barstoolsports.com with a Facebook link and a name. 100% anonymous on your part, we’ll do all the heavy lifting.
I bet these lights will be the hottest thing in the light fixture game for like 3 weeks and then everyone will realize they fucking suck and they’re just a rip-off of other lights and soon nobody will buy them again and the only time you’ll only be able to see them will be lighting up the background as fixtures on shows like Celebrity Rehab and the Surreal Life.
PS – All kidding aside he sold the shit out of that Ice Bronze chandelier piece. Lights lights baby indeed bro.
Obviously not talking about the song or anything other than JLW rolling around in lingerie shaking her tits but just for the record that’s about as good as a terrible song can get in my book. Like I won’t throw it on at parties but if someone else does I’m not complaining and I’m definitely singing along in my head if that makes sense.
Also I legit think she popped a nut at the 1:33 mark. Nothing major, like a level 2 on the sybian scale, but nonetheless I think it was there.
Fucking Lochte. Wins one Olympic event in the breast stroke and thinks he can start posing as one of the most iconic album covers of all time. Have some self awareness man. Your 15 minutes are up. No one gives a fuck about swimmers no matter how many album covers from my youth they ruin.
Do you even have a dick bro?
Listen, I don’t like blaming refs every time a game doesn’t go the way I want. It’s too easy. Yeah they all fuck up, especially in the NBA, but for the most part shitty calls go both ways throughout the course of a game and bottom line is players decide the outcomes almost every time. The only way to counter any officiating mistakes is play better and be better than the other team. It all evens out.
But last night’s officiating was not only horrendous but it cost the Bulls a chance at a signature division win with every odd stacked against them. Noah out with a foot injury. Hinrich out. Boozer struggling with his hamstring. Marco hobbling around draining buckets on one ankle. They should have had no chance in that game. Yet they hung around and chipped away bit by bit in the 4th and had a chance near the end only to get robbed by a shady fucking call. Like how is it possible that play wasn’t reviewed? Roy Hibbert’s huge fumbling mits were so obviously the last things to touch the ball nobody on the entire court started walking the other way except the refs. Even Hibbert was standing around like some big, dumb idiot wondering how he fucked that play up. Just totally inexcusable to leave a team out to dry after they busted their ass short-handed on the road and rob them of a huge game. Not saying they would have finished the comeback, but the second that call was made you knew Paul George was going to close it out on the other end and that’s just what he did. Can’t help shake the feeling the Bulls were straight up robbed last night.
PS – Nate won Eastern Conference player of the week last night which was 100% deserved. I said before that on some nights for minutes at a time he’s basically the best player in the world. Usually I’m joking but it’s basically true at this point. Sucks he might not be back next year with the logjam at PG.
I guess this guy killed himself, which I can’t say I feel bad about. Kind of have a “don’t cry for horse fuckers and people charged with child indecency when they kill themselves” rule.
Wharton County, Texas (Source) – Andrew Mendoza, a 29-year-old Wharton County man was jailed after he allegedly had sex with a horse, then told investigators that he was attempting to get the animal pregnant. According to the Wharton County Sheriff’s Office, Mendoza admitted to having sex with a horse, explaining that he decided on the encounter after his girlfriend stood him up. During a police interview, Mendoza stated that he was waiting to hear from his girlfriend when he decided to have sex with a horse if the woman failed to call him. Mendoza went ahead and put his plan into action when the woman never called.
Mendoza also told investigators that he planned to get the horse pregnant, hoping the encounter would produce a “horseman baby.” He then went into details about the encounter, explaining “I ain’t going to lie, I blew a nut in the horse. I then got off the bucket and put my clothes back on and left. I promise that I have not been back over to the horse since that time.” Mendoza was booked into the Wharton County Jail and charged with public lewdness and criminal trespass. He was sentenced to four months in prison.
Fucking chicks man. Do women understand now? Do they get it? Do they grasp how their little mind games effect men? A horse was fucked by a man because a chick stood him up. Plain and Simple. Open and shut. That’s what happened.
And that’s the problem with women. They think its so cute to stand us up. Trick questions. Saying things they don’t really mean. “Does this dress make me look fat?”. “Do you think my mom is pretty?” “You can go watch the game with your friends if you want”. Endless shit. Well this is what happens. You think Andrew Mendoza wanted to fuck that horse? Hell no. He would have much preferred a woman’s vagina. But he had no choice. He made a deal with himself, if my girlfriend stands me up then I’m going to have to put my penis in a horse. And sure, I guess he could have just decided to go back on his deal with himself but then what type of a person would he be? He would be a liar. And just like Andrew Mendoza said “He ain’t going to lie [he blew a nut in the horse]“. Dude isn’t a liar, straight up.
You can’t make horseman babies right? Like I knew you couldn’t but then Andrew Mendoza said it may be possibly and now I’m questioning my entire knowledge of the whole horseman baby process.
*”I ain’t gonna lie, I blew a nut in the horse” might be top 10 most disgusting things I have read on the internet and that’s saying something.