Hey bud just a heads up your suspension is probably ruined and there’s a real good chance your lumbar is poking out of your asshole and you’ve got scoliosis.
How about all the rednecks gradually convening in on the truck after it landed? Probably were going to start stripping it for parts to decorate their homes with and shit. Looked just like that totally believable scene in Lord of War where Nicolas Cage lands an airplane in Africa and like 75 Kenyans figure out how to strip it down to nothing in about 4 hours.
I know today is going to be all about Ray Lewis, and how rich Joe Flacco is going to be and how resilient the Ravens are but I still can’t get over that chokejob by Jim Harbaugh on the final goal line drive last night. I mean obviously Harbaugh is one of the best coaches in the NFL. He’s also one of the ballsiest, proven by the fact that he benched his 6-2 starter and completely reinvented the team’s offense midstream this season. But what the hell happened last night on those last 4 plays?
First down, run, which I’m fine with, the Niners probably should have run it second down as well, they were getting yards whenever they wanted against the Ravens in the second half. Second down, you run a qb sprint to the right basically allowing a gassed Ravens defense cover half the field. 3rd down is an underneath route to Crabtree that is a solid 4 yards short of the goal line and 4th down is a fade, which makes ZERO sense. Kaepernick is an unreal quarterback, but his 2 strengths are that he throws an accurate sharp ball and he can use his feet to extend plays. So why then would you make him throw a touch pass to the back of the end zone that is one of the hardest throws for a qb to make? And I get that the Ravens blitzed but that fade was coming anyway. Just absolutely mind boggling. The Niners have one of the biggest most in depth playbooks in the league. They have so many looks that can confuse a defense, and they throw a fade? I don’t care if that was Defensive Holding either, that’s a play that should never have been called in that situation, on that down, with that quarterback. And I know for Super Bow post game coverage its always a lot more about the winners than the losers, but that was the story of the game for me more than anything else.
I would like to have sex with Beyonce.
By far the best commercial last night.
Even Stone Cold couldn’t stop the waterworks. #lovemesomebeer
Source – Police in Brooksville say they’ve arrested a man who was driving drunk — inside a Walmart. According to WFLA , officers said Timothy Carr was drunk and driving around the store on a motorized shopping cart. Carr then removed an alcoholic beverage from a shelf and was drinking it while he knocked other items off the shelves, police told WFLA. The Walmart is located at 7305 Broad Street. According to the report, Carr told police he did not have enough money to pay for the alcohol. He also said he is a transient. Carr had two previous arrests for retail theft, which made the current arrest a felony. He was charged with disorderly intoxication and felony retail theft.
Uh, yes. Yes it does.
Truth be told I’m pretty shocked this guy was arrested. Like yeah it sounds bad but lets not forget this was a Wal Mart in Florida. A drunk senior citizen driving around a motorized cart in a Florida Wal Mart is about as par for the course as you can get. That’s basically the whole state outside of the college kids and the illegal Cubans in Miami. Seems kind’ve unfair to zone in on Tim Carr just because he has a bunch of priors and thought it’d be cool to start knocking shit off the shelves and not pick them up. Dude’s a fucking transient on that Into The Wild shit, just let him do his thing and pass on through.
PS – The image of this guy boozing on his cart and pushing home appliances and kids toys to the ground is utterly hilarious. A+ job dude.
The beauty of Lewis’ celebrating the accomplishments of his teammates — something that he has done repeatedly throughout the postseason despite what some saw as shameless self-promotion — is that it speaks to his own self-awareness. This wasn’t the Ray Lewis who’s earned 12 Pro Bowl nominations and two league defensive player of the year awards during his Hall of Fame career. This was a past-his-prime superstar doing everything he could to leave on top. This was a proud team captain praying for the same farewell that only a few other legends — namely John Elway, Jerome Bettis and Michael Strahan — had enjoyed.
Lewis talked about rubbing Jones’ chest before the returner erupted for a postseason-record 108-yard kick return for a touchdown to start the second half. He raved about his relentless faith in Flacco and the conversations his teammates had when they needed a last-minute goal-line stand to thwart a team that had rallied from a 28-6 deficit. “There was no panic in us,” Lewis said. “We talked about that when we were on the goal line. We said that if we stopped them there, they don’t get in. That was the most amazing goal-line stand that I’ve ever been a part of.”
Have to love ESPN. Shoving Ray Lewis down our throat for the past month. Interviews. Sit downs with Chris Berman. Stories about his leadership. E60′s on his faith and religion. But nah, they’re right, that game wasn’t all about him last night. I mean you heard him? He gave credit to the guys who actually won the game, he had faith in Flacco, he RUBBED Jacoby Jones chest with his special Ray Lewis Faith, basically compelling him to return that kick for a touchdown, how SELF AWARE!
This is like the kid in high school that didn’t know how to bust balls correctly. The guy that would say really mean things then be like, oh yeah I was just joking. “I Hope your mom gets cancer, just joking”. And he thinks if he says he was “just joking” then its all good. Same thing here. Just shove Ray Lewis down our throat and then tell us you were just joking after. Do you ESPN, do you.
Have Ray and Sal hooked up before? That coat grab thing Ray was doing felt like more than “just friends”.
Yeah! The body as a weapon! Breasts as bombs! Whatever the fuck you say!
Not sure what the point of this video was because the second they started talking about equal rights and shit I just muted it and watched titties bounce but I guess these girls are encouraging women to get naked and protest? Hey right on ladies. Gotta say the message works really well with hot naked European blonde women. Just don’t mingle with the Slut Walk chicks and invite them to any rally’s because frankly those broads are whores and totally disgusting.
Source - The town where Osama Bin Laden was killed by US Navy SEALs is to become the new home of a £19million ($30 million) ‘amusement city’ complete with a zoo, water sports and mini-golf, Pakistan’s government has announced. The 20-hectare riverside development on the edge of Abbottabad will also house a string of restaurants, a ski ramp and even a snake pit for tourists’ amusement. ’The amusement city will be built on 50 acres in the first phase but later will be extended to 500 acres,’ Syed Aqil Shah, the provincial minister for tourism and sports. ‘It will have a heritage park, wildlife zoo, food street, adventure and paragliding clubs, waterfalls and jogging tracks.’ Work is due to begin in late February or early March, he said, and will take eight years to complete.
Abbottabad in the house!
Fuck yeah Middle East. Literally the only thing that could ever entice me to go to Pakistan is a $30 million amusement park on the exact location where Osama Bin Laden’s brain ate bullets. Like I saw Zero Dark Thirty and to be totally honest Pakistan didn’t exactly jump out as a hot spot to spend some quality R&R vacation time. Didn’t see any smokes running around in bikinis or recreational drug use or people getting shitfaced or anything. Just a lot of goats, concrete and terrorists and shit. Basically a shittier, inland version of Miami. But not anymore. Now Abbottabad, Pakistan is a fucking hot spot. Just throwing all sorts of fun stuff at you. Snake pits, restaurants, heritage zoos. They’re even throwing in a ski ramp which doesn’t make much sense since they’re in the fucking dessert but whatever. I’ll get drunk and sand ski all day long. Outside of the fact that every al-queda operative in the world is going to be trying to blow this place to smithereens it sounds like the most fun place on the planet.
Chicago - Police arrested three people after they found $10 million worth of cocaine and more than $500,000 in cash at one of the accused’s homes in McKinley Park on Friday, according to police and court documents. Jose Pelayo-Aguilar, 21, was arrested on Friday after police found 79 kilograms of cocaine and $539,406 cash in his home in the 3600 block of South Leavitt Street, according to court documents. That amount of cocaine has a street value of about $10 million, prosecutors said. Pelayo-Aguilar allegedly admitted to his arresting officers that he had Patricia Sugey deliver one kilogram of cocaine to Roger Zeni in the 2600 block of West 36th Street, according to court documents.
And here I was thinking absolutely nobody had a worse Sunday than Jim Harbaugh. Thought it didn’t get any more humiliating than blowing the Super Bowl to your older brother in front of your whole family with some questionable play callings and shady refs. Figured nobody could feel worse than that yesterday. But nope, turns out getting busted with $10 MILLION worth of blow is definitely way worse. No contest really. Like if you were to ask me if I’d rather be a great coach worth millions of dollars that made it to the Super Bowl with no felonies or a Mexican living in McKinley Park that just got busted with 79 kilos of k’caine I’m probably going football coach at least 9 times out of 10. At least you still got it better than somebody out there Coach.
PS – Of course this guy got busted because some broad messed up. Seriously sweetie, all you had to do was deliver a kilo of a highly illegal schedule 2 stimulant worth more than your life. Gotta be a little more cautious in that situation.
So today sucks. KFC talked about it this morning, how today is one of the worst days of the year. And while I wholeheartedly agree, I also am not going to sit idly by and be a pussy about it. Complaining is for women and children. Men take the day back. And I know what you’re saying to yourself right now, Hey Big Cat, I have buffalo wing diarrhea, I’m hungover, football is over, and my job sucks, how could I possibly make things better? Well, the answer is simple. Its my tried and true funk buster. Step 1, buy something awesome that you don’t actually need. Step 2, find a hot chick and masturbate.
Step 1 – Hand Claw. Do I need a Hand Claw? No. Do I want a Hand Claw. Fuck yes I do. Boom, handclaw purchased.
Also got myself this nice Monopoly Money tie. Wasn’t planning on buying two things but when a Monopoly Money tie is only 14.95 my hand/zombie demon skull claw is tied. I had no choice. Besides, the tie is literally made out of money, Pays for itself.
Step 2- Since you’re at work right now and can’t frequent many “adult” sites, lets just go with a new Rosie Jones photo shoot. I love this girl. And I have a sneaking suspicion that she loves men that wear Wolverine Claws and Board Game ties. Done and Done, funk officially busted.
(Source) I don’t want to linger on this, but last night’s Super Bowl half-time show was ridiculous — and gratuitously so. Watching Twitter, it was really no surprise that men made comments about stripper poles and putting dollar bills through their TV sets, was it? Why can’t we have a national entertainment moment that does not include a mother gyrating in a black teddy? The priceless moment was Destiny’s Child reuniting to ask that someone “put a ring on it.” As I mentioned on Twitter last night, perhaps that case might be best made in another outfit, perhaps without the crotch grabbing.
It seems quite disappointing that Michelle Obama would feel the need to tweet about how “proud” she is of Beyoncé. The woman is talented, has a beautiful voice, and could be a role model. And she is on some levels — on others she is an example of cultural surrender, rather than leadership. When I saw the first lady’s tweet, I couldn’t help but think of the president talking about abortion in terms of his daughters’ freedom. I so want the Obamas to be leaders on building a culture of marriage and fatherhood and human dignity. Their actions seem to be telling me to get over my delusion. We need to raise our standards. Is it crazy to think we can, even at the Super Bowl?
Jesus Christ Kathryn Jean Lopez, lighten the fuck up. I mean how shitty does your life have to be to see a halftime show that everyone in the world found entertaining and immediately think about women’s rights and how disgusting it is? That is patently absurd. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate this because its a feminist thing, feminists don’t bother me in any type of unique way, I hate this because its a person who takes life WAY too seriously. A person who is always looking to make every little thing an issue that needs to discussed. No. Fuck that. That halftime show was awesome. Every girl that was at the Super Bowl party I went to thought it was awesome, and I bet 99.9% of the female population liked it as well. Not one person saw Beyonce and thought it was demeaning towards women except Kathryn Jean Lopez. Beyonce is blazing hot. If she wants to show us how hot she is that is her right. Its not cultural surrender. She’s proud of being a Fox. Why not show off something you’re proud of?
So fuck you for making this more than it should be Kathryn. It was entertainment and Beyonce was entertaining. Anyone who sees something different is a sad. pathetic, joyless human being.
Source – Police arrested a West Palm Beach man early Saturday morning after they say he rammed the front door of his parents’ Port St. Lucie home with a sport utility vehicle, which was later found parked at a Fort Pierce bar. According to an arrest report, the mother of Robert John Tate Jr. told investigators her son had been posting strange YouTube videos of himself in a Batman suit before the incident. Shortly after midnight Friday, a vehicle damaged the rear patio of the home in the 6800 block of Northwest Granger Avenue, then drove around front and rammed the home’s entrance. Tate, 30, was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, but without intent to kill; and criminal mischief with more than $1,000 property damage.
There is no worse feeling in the entire world then when your parents find out some embarrassing shit about you. I still remember the first time my parents found all the porn I was looking at on the family computer when I was like 13. Easily top 5 worst days of my life. I mean after a while it just became old hat, Oh might have to do a disk clean and defragment the computer again honey, looks like Neil was cooking up a batch to some illegal Asian schoolgirl gangbang videos last night. But that first time they caught me was brutal. Never felt more alone and embarrassed in my entire life. Probably thought about drowning myself like 5,000 times that week. And that was just a teenage kid looking at porn which turns out in the most normal thing in the world. Can’t imagine how bad it would be if I was fucking 30 and my parents found videos of me dressing up as Batman and playing make believe superhero games and shit by myself. Probably would’ve done the same thing this guy except before driving my truck into my family home I’d cover it in gasoline and light it on fire first. Only way to cover up the shame of being a man in his 30′s that still plays dress up is to take out every living person that knows about it, family be damned.
Quick side note, does that guy not have a chin? Looks like the bottom of his face just keeps going around like it’s turn 3 at Talladega or something.
Nothing like seeing your team win the Super Bowl and celebrating by climbing a lamp post, ripping off some epic pull-ups in everyone’s grill and severing your spine in half falling back down to Earth.
Pretty rookie move by the cameraman though. Like I don’t care if that’s a stranger, your best friend, your father, whoever. When somebody breaks their body in half on a Cross St. street sign in Baltimore you keep rolling until they hit the deck. Cheapens the whole video experience when we’re all left wondering what it looked like when he dropped the extra 10 feet to the cement. That’s some Amateur hour shit.