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This Kid’s Got The Right Idea

 

Goddamn right, kid’s got the right idea. Money Fried chicken over bitches all day, every day.

PS – Such a fucking chick move too. “So chicken is more important than me?” Uh, yeah, it is you selfish bitch. Don’t try and change me.

By neil posted February 1st, 2013 at 4:20 PM

4th Grade Girl Wins Science Fair Project After Hiding Cocaine In Her School And Sending Drug Sniffing Dogs To Find It

Source - Douglas Bartelt, a detective with the Miami-Dade Police Narcotics Bureau, provided his daughter, Emma, with three detector canines and 28 grams of cocaine (street value: approximately $1,300) for her entry into Coral Gables Preparatory Academy’s annual science fair. Not surprisingly, she won. The first-place honor gave Emma an automatic entry into the Miami -Dade Elementary Schools Science Fair, where her drug-sniffing project earned an honorable mention.

“The purpose for this scientific investigation was to find which dog would find the cocaine fastest using it’s [sic] sense of smell,” the fourth-grader wrote in the abstract for her project, titled “Drug Sniffing Dogs.” Bartelt, according to the Miami Herald, fellow detective William Pedraja and Sgt. Samantha Machado provided the dogs (a springer spaniel named Roger; Levi, a golden retriever; and Franky, a retired chocolate labrador) and the cocaine. (Franky showed he’s still got the touch, locating the illegal substance in 43 seconds.)

How’d you like to be the kid who probably spent like 30 hours over the course of 4 weekends building an active volcano that shoots out fire hot molten lava just to come in 2nd to this girl? Throw your social life away making Mount St Helen’s out of paper mache with pyrotechnics and shit blowing up everywhere and some bitch has her Dad stash a bunch of yak in the cafeteria for some dogs to find and she wins. Such a kick in the balls. Must be infuriating. Like the only option at that point is you steal some of that blow, do a few key bumps for yourself and hide the rest in that chick’s backpack. Stick Franky the drug sniffing chocolate lab on her and make her do a 3-5 to make up for stealing your trophy.

PS – How about the name she gave her project – “Drug Sniffing Dogs”? Um that’s not the name of a science project you idiot. That’s just the name of the animals you used to do it for you. Be creative for once.

By neil posted February 1st, 2013 at 11:40 AM

KFC Radio Episode 26 Part 3, MFK Annoying Commercial Girls

Back for part 3 of KFC Radio Episode 26 and in this one we had a tremendous voicemail. Marry, Fuck, Kill annoying commercial girls. Options being Flo from Progressive, Gameday Bucket go Boom, and somebody left the gate open. Here’s a refresher for debate.

Flo

Gameday Bucket go Boom

Somebody Left The Gate Open (Special Director’s Cut). I would marry the fuck out of those bangs.

 

Full disclosure, I didn’t even know who the Gameday Bucket Go Boom girl was until I looked it up after the show. So on the show I said I would kill Flo, fuck gameday bucket go boom and marry Somebody left the gate open. Well, I think after watching the gameday bucket go boom girl once, just ONCE, I have to change my opinion. That is the most annoying person on the face of the Earth. She’s the chick that thinks its cool to wear flannel and hang with the boys. Crack jokes. Watch the game. Bust balls, then the minute someone says something mean to her she cries. Nothing worse than that girl. So no, I do not want the gameday bucket to go boom, I want her face to go boom, roasted.

 

Also, fucking Flo would be a novelty thing. If your friend told you that he fucked Flo from progressive it would be kinda impressive right? Just fuck her once and murder her after. No one will miss Flo, and you’ll have a novelty notch on your belt. Win-Win

 

Anyway, lets vote.

 

Left The Gate Open

KFC Girl

Total Number of Votes: 4805
By Big Cat posted February 1st, 2013 at 12:15 PM

Fan Duel Tourney Switches From NBA To NHL This Week For All You Puck Heads

Click Here To Sign Up

We’re switching from basketball to hockey in our Fan Duel tourney this week to mix it up a bit. It’s actually going to be pretty challenging since the cap is at $55,000 for 9 guys so if you know literally anything at all about hockey, now is your time to shine. Should be a lay-up for you puckheads. To be honest the only strategy I had in choosing my team was picking Toews. That’s it. Get the Captain on there and hope for the best pretty much.

We also lowered the cost of entry since this is the first hockey week. Only $25 bucks and 89 available spots this week so it should fill up quick. Here’s the details:

- $2,000 in total prizes, $600 to the winner

- 89 openings, pay outs to 9th place

- $25 to get it, up to 5 entries allowed

- Tourney is for Saturday night games and starts at 7 EST. Pay-outs occur after the game.

Click Here To Sign Up

By neil posted February 1st, 2013 at 11:00 AM

The Answer To Who Would You Rather Be, Brady, Seguin, Or Gronk Is D) Patrick Kane

 

So pres wrote a blog this morning about who you would rather be. Brady, Seguin or Gronk. And while it was a tough question if you keep it to just those three guys, the answer is obviously 100% Patrick Kane. No doubt about it. Its actually not even close in my mind. First of all Chicago is not only better than Boston but its also bigger, by like a million times. Yeah Gronk and Seguin crush it in Boston but that’s just classic big fish in a small pond. Patrick Kane is a Shark in the Pacific Ocean. Its like someone going to Arizona State vs someone who went to a small east coast liberal arts college. Pure Numbers game.  Second, when you stack them up 1 on 1 its an absolute bloodbath. Patrick Kane is younger than Brady and not married. He’s not as injury proned or as  dumb as Gronk, and he’s a better hockey player than Tyler Seguin. All those things should count.

 

Look, at the end of the day, they all crush pussy. They all can get any chick they want. They all live a life that is far beyond our wildest dreams. So isn’t the tie breaker the fact that Patrick Kane lives in a better city and  is one of the best player’s in his sport? Not to mention he doesn’t have to suck up to the media, they already hate him (Punching a cab driver, Mifflin, being drunk for 1,000 days straight after we won the Cup in 2010) so at this point he can literally can do whatever the fuck he wants. Absolute No Brainer. Patrick Kane all day, everyday, and twice on Sunday.

 

PS

Toews would be in the running if he didnt have to be so serious and captain like all the time. That cramps the whole getting blacked out and banging puck sluts mojo that the rest of these guys have going for them.

By Big Cat posted February 1st, 2013 at 2:50 PM

The ManBQue Lombardi Trophy Made Out Of Meat Looks Delicious And Nothing At All Like The Lombardi Trophy

Red Eye

Stack bacon 2 feet high in any direction it leans and throw a fucking football on top. Nailed it. Thing looks like a goddamn meat giraffe.

PS – If you didn’t think this is an art form, think again. Concentration and focus like a motherfucker:

By neil posted February 1st, 2013 at 3:30 PM

How About This Crazy Bitch Screaming About Hot Tubs On The Blue Line

 

Woah settle down there babe! Bitch sounds like Gilbert Gottfried back there yelling about showers, hot tubs and cleaning little boys and shit. Holy moly.

And to answer what I think was her question – I’d rather take a shower over a bath one million times out of a million. If you think otherwise you’re either a chick or you want to be a chick, period.

By neil posted February 1st, 2013 at 4:05 PM

Tippy Toe City – Population, Schefter

Love it. Schefter literally running down the list of ways to try and not be a midget.

-Tippy toes? Check.

-Chest puffed out to give your height depth? Check.

-Shortest athlete in the NFL? Check.

-Pushing Russell Wilson down with your right hand to get that extra centimeter? Check.

 

Its like when I catch a fish and hold it as close to the camera as possible so everyone thinks it was a monster. That’s Schefter’s life now. The watchdog never sleeps. He knows that.

 

PS
Seriously though, midget legs.

By Big Cat posted February 1st, 2013 at 4:40 PM

Anyone Need A Place To Live In Logan Square? Because A Pig Owning Masseuse Is Looking For A Roommate

A picture of two pigs hogging the couch/remote isn’t exactly putting your best foot forward

 

(Craigslist) First, I have two pot belly pigs who will be an unavoidable part of your life. They are intelligent, sweet, and adorable, but they also behave like pigs and so anyone who lives here must understand how to interact with them properly. That I can teach you, but it requires a certain degree of confidence around animals. Franklin, the oldest, will bully you-they are herd animals and while I am ultimately alpha, he feels the need to climb the hierarchy. If you live here, logically you are in his herd, therefore he will challenge you every so often to establish who is where in the hierarchy. He can also be very sweet and cuddle with you on the couch while you watch your favorite show. The other one is an absolute sweetheart and will probably never challenge you. We can discuss the pig topic further.

Second, I work from home as a massage therapist. This is an awesome perk for you because in exchange for my use of a little extra space, you can get some free body work. Because I work from home, the apartment must always be presentable.

 

Vegans/vegetarians welcome. I don’t eat pork, but I subscribe to a Paleolithic diet so I eat a lot of protein. The other roommate eats pork and other meats. No indoor smoking. No heavy drinkers or drug users. 420 is fine, but you can’t do it in the apartment during my business hours.

Current roommates (beside the pigs) I am 29, lesbian, in school full time, easy going, clean, responsible, stay active and bike year round. The other roommate is 23, female, finishing up a degree in journalism, loves to cook and bake, easy to get along with and is often very busy. The latter roommate will also be moving out at some point, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Thanks for reading!

California at Milwaukee (google map) (yahoo map)

  • Location: Logan Square
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 

Oh cool because a pig that wants to emasculate me and challenge my worth as a human being and force me to be part of his “pack” while a lady gives rub and tugs in the living room 24/7 is EXACTLY what I wanted in a roommate. I mean no offense to anyone who would actually consider this but you’re a fucking psychopathic moron if you do. And I haven’t even gotten to the part where you have to live in Logan Square, with the hippest hipsters and the Latin Kings.  Seriously, this has to be the number 1 least desirable place to live in Chicago. Its like Chappelles Mad Real World but instead of black people stabbing you and having sex with your girlfriend its getting in a fight with a pig named Franklin every so often just to keep the hierarchy in the house intact. Thanks but no thanks.

 

 

PS

I’m just taking a shot in the dark here, but the pig owning lesbian who lives in Logan Square is probably not the same lesbian I see on Brazzers. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s just what my gut is telling me.

By Big Cat posted February 1st, 2013 at 9:35 AM

Stop Motion Video Of Some Chick In Lingerie Takes You Into The Weekend

Don’t know who she is. Don’t want to know. Just want to see her rolling around having fun for infinity or at least until I finish.

Have a good weekend everyone!

By neil posted February 1st, 2013 at 5:10 PM

Does This Look Like A Priest That Claimed Jesus Anointed His Penis With The “Holy Spirit Divine Semen” So He Could Get Blowjobs From Chicks At His Church?

SourceSobrino Valdeci Picanto, 59, was arrested in Apore, Goiás, Brazil, for raping several women attending his church. He gave as an excuse that his penis had been consecrated with “divine semen of the Holy Spirit.” A 23-year-old young woman, who prefers to remain anonymous said, “He has convinced us that only God could come into our lives through the mouth.” “Often, after worship, Pastor Valdecir take us to some of the funds back to the church and asked us to do oral sex on him until the Holy Spirit comes through ejaculation”.

Valdecir defends himself by saying that ‘he had an encounter with Jesus in a brothel and gave him the mission of spreading the sacred semen throughout the state, beginning with the faithful Apore Assembly, of which he is responsible’. Denise Pinheiro, delegate of the region, said, “Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid. When we act Valdecir offered no resistance and even asked if I wanted to be part of the kingdom of heaven on the way to the police station. He is not ashamed of such acts and thinks they are the most normal things in the world.”

 

Wait a second this guy got charged with rape? Huh? How does that make sense? Listen when you’re a Priest hanging out in a brothel and Jesus gives you the mission of spreading the sacred semen throughout the state, you do it plain and simple. You’d be an absolute fool not to. All those years of celibacy beating off in the rectory and hating your life because you decided to become a stupid fucking Priest and then the Lord and Savior himself comes down from heaven and rewards you for your dedication by telling you to get your dick sucked up and down the coasts of Brazil. Boom no problem Jesus. I can do that for you. Amen brother. I mean it’s not his fault chicks believed him and went along with it. Dude’s just a squirrel tryin’ to get a nut and bring people closer to God. Actually makes me respect religion a little bit to tell you the truth.

 

By neil posted February 1st, 2013 at 10:20 AM

Marry, Fuck, Kill: Super Bowl WAG’s

Sarah Hinton

J. Marie

Courtney Eckhart

Total Number of Votes: 6862

Quick introduction for those of you who don’t stay up late at night analyzing / beating off to NFL Wag’s: Sarah Hinton is 49ers TE Garrett Celek’s chick. J. Marie is with that goofy nosed bastard Colin Kaepernick and Courtney Eckhart is dating LaMichael James.

Now these chicks aren’t really stars in their own right so it’s really important to look at the intangibles of each girl. With that said right off the bat I’m banging J. Marie. Two big reasons behind that decision: A) Asian, B) If she can put up with dating that beady eyed motherfucker with the Port-nose behind center for the 49ers she probably has no problem having 3 1/2 minutes of terrible sex with an out of shape blogger with a half-mile forehead. Granted I don’t have as much going for me as a QB about to become a multi-millionaire, global sensation superstar but I get to call the shots here, not her, so whether she likes it or not I’m banging her.

Which brings us to Oregon darling Courtney Eckhart and Sarah Hinton. The all-American cheerleader vs the Hooters girl. Frankly I’m inclined to go cheerleader in that situation every time. Give me the classic girl next door blonde American chick all day and I’m a happy man. But there’s a big elephant in the room here and it’s sitting between LaMichael James legs. Bottom line is I just don’t know if I can go in for life after a black guy. Not sure if I can hear her say how she was So close that time every night before she goes to beat it to her ex’s Fathead poster and Youtube highlights. That would be absolutely brutal. At least with Hinton I can visit her at work, drink myself stupid, eat buffalo wings and stare at ass and titties for hours on end. And that, my friends, is what true love is all about. Kills me to say it but Eckhart’s fucking dead.

Marry – Sarah Hinton

Fuck – J. Marie

Kill – Courtney Eckhart

By neil posted February 1st, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Looks Like I’m Not Going To The Super Bowl With My Dad, Robby “Clubber” Lange

 

Bad news guys. Looks like I’m not going to The Super Bowl. Not sure what happened. Miscommunication? Too many gay bashers to keep track of? Clubber knew that New Orleans isn’t big enough for the both of us? Just not sure. But that doesn’t mean I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like. So I emailed Robby, Super Bowl or Bust. Its Whoa Time (just made that up, pretty sweet right?)

Link to Handshake (1:01)

 

We went Boating

You wouldn’t let me drive, because you said my hands are too small

We caught an alligator, and when I say that I mean you caught an alligator by yourself while I sat in the boat peeing my pants

Went out on bourbon street. #Tittays #WHOA

Found a monkey

Monkey had one too many hurricanes

Did some cooking with Emeril. Whoa is the new Bam, WHOA.

Had dinner with Riles. I called him a cocksucker while you gave him a wedgie.

Told Chris Culliver to stop being mean to gay people

And then won the Super Bowl.

 

All in a days work of the best one two punch this world has ever seen. Can’t wait for Sunday!

By Big Cat posted February 1st, 2013 at 2:11 PM
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