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You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me!

 

Jesus christ. One time ladies. One time do something with a car that doesn’t endanger every single person around you. I feel like that’s not asking for much. In this particular case Its actually asking for basically nothing. Because you know how many times I have successfully filled up my gas tank without spilling gas all over the place? 100%. 100 percent of the time. And that’s not a brag either, that’s just me saying I’m a normal functioning person with a pulse and a single brain cell. The bar is set so incredibly low for things like this. Yet you keep tripping over it. Unreal.

 

PS
Do celebrities just wear rugs now?

By Big Cat posted January 30th, 2013 at 9:35 AM

Theo Epstein’s Stalker Stops Charging Her GPS House Arrest Device, Escapes And Is Found On The East Coast Yelling Incoherently In A Church Parking Lot

Source - Chicago Cubs President Theo Epstein received a troubling call on Jan. 10 when Cook County officials rang to tell him the woman accused of stalking him last year had gone MIA. Despite her court order to wear a GPS ankle monitor, Kathleen Kearney was able to slip free from her family’s home in the Boston area earlier in January. Officials received an alert shortly after 5 a.m. that the 45-year-old accused stalker’s monitoring device hadn’t been charged and was no longer emitting a signal. Last officials knew: she was on a northbound train in Boston.

Sun TimesBoston authorities will be holding off on executing an arrest warrant and extraditing Theo Epstein’s alleged stalker to Chicago until her mental health improves, attorneys said in court Tuesday. Cook County prosecutors issued the warrant earlier this month when they learned Kathleen Kearney had stopped charging her court ordered GPS device and was found acting erratically outside a church and school parking lot on the East Coast.

 

This is a weird question but Theo had to be a little disappointed when this crazy bitch didn’t come back to see him after freeing herself right? I mean if that was me and I got the phone call that my stalker was missing and on the run I’d be fucking psyched. Definitely walk around with a little pep in my step. Just such an ego boost to have somebody obsess over you like that. Like yeah you pretend to be freaked out for your family and play the part of caring father and husband and all that but in reality you’re smirking and patting yourself on the back that some chick who doesn’t even know you wants your sauce that bad. Especially a wily little slut like Kathleen Kearney. Then boom the hammer drops and she’s ranting and raving like a lunatic in some Church parking lot in Boston? Uh, okay? Was the President of baseball operations for the Cubs not good enough for you bitch? You liking house arrest on the East Coast that bad? It’s like Theo just went through a public divorce and got one-upped by a 50 year old woman with frizzy, fungus hair and a dead left eye. Kind’ve embarrassing really.

By neil posted January 30th, 2013 at 11:00 AM

Barstool Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Josilyn

Introducing Josilyn from Lisle who just melted me into a puddle with her eyes. As strong an all around smokeshow as you’ll see.

Know a girl that needs to be a Smokeshow? Hit us up at Chicagotips@barstoolsports.com with a Facebook link and we’ll take it from there. 100% anonymous on your part. 

By neil posted January 30th, 2013 at 5:35 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Naked Guy Who Started Singing And Masturbating When Police Told Him To Clothe Himself?

Source - Gretna police officers responding to reports of a naked man found their bare-bottomed suspect staggering down Huey P. Long Boulevard. But when they asked him to clothe himself, the man, instead, broke into song and began to masturbate, according to authorities. Gretna Assistant Police Chief Anthony Christiana said officers didn’t recognize the tune warbled by Osmar Hernandez, 33, of New Orleans. But it was quite clear his stripped-down performance was fueled by alcohol, police said.

Christiana said a resident called 911 on Friday about 9:30 p.m. and complained about a naked pedestrian who appeared to be masturbating. Officers found the man later identified as Hernandez in the 1500 block of Huey P. Long. He was nude from the waist down but was holding his shorts, the arrest report said. Officers asked Hernandez to put his shorts on. But Hernandez allegedly ignored the order and began to masturbate while singing, the arrest report said.

 

I don’t know why but for some reason I’m really pissed off this police officer couldn’t make out the song this guy was singing while he was jerking off naked in the middle of the street. I never would have thought twice about it until he pointed out that he tried to listen but couldn’t recognize the tune and now I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s infuriating. You know how people think about what song they want to play when they die? Everyone picks “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “A Day In The Life” or something generic. Well I can’t stop thinking about what song I would sing if I was a naked Mexican guy masturbating in the middle of the streets in New Orleans. Gun to my head I’m going “Jungle Love” by Morris Day and The Time. Total tour de force of a song to yank it to in public. Real powerful, lots of funk, everyone loves it so maybe it turns into something spontaneous and chicks off the street start blasting themselves and dancing alongside you. Then unload during the guitar solo and call it a day. Could really turn into a fun time.

PS – Big Cat instantly answered “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger. Different vibe but a real solid choice. Top 5 for sure.

By neil posted January 30th, 2013 at 12:10 PM

This Racist Volkswagen Commercial Is So Racist It’s Sickening

So this commercial is getting a lot of run up to the Super Bowl. White people are flipping their pants because of the way it portrays Jamaicans. Gotta say I totally agree. If I was Jamaican I’d be pissed off too. Like don’t you dare try to exploit me as a happy, optimistic person who wants to live and enjoy a good life. Don’t you fucking dare. That shit is so racist.

PS – The best part of this is Jamaican people are coming out of the woodwork saying they love the commercial. Pointing out that there’s literally nothing negative about it or them. Guess the uptight white folk didn’t get the memo about the message of the ad?

By neil posted January 30th, 2013 at 9:25 PM

2 Year Old Doing Wrestling Impersonations Like A Badass

Perfect. Knocked it out of the park. Can’t even speak English without sounding black out drunk  but he does a spot on Kane. Love it. This is how you raise a son, and by that I mean, shoving a camera in your kid’s face and making him repeat wrestling sayings for your own personal enjoyment is probably not how you should raise your son. Whatever, I guess someone needs to be the 2 year old that is awesome at wrestling impersonations. Not Nikoh’s fault he was born a star.

 

PS
Cena “You can’t see me” was an A+++++

 

 

By Big Cat posted January 30th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

The Epitome Of Rick Reilly In One Single Tweet

And there is it. Riles in an absolute nutshell. Name dropping, tired jokes, pointing out that he is New Orleans for the SUPER BOWL, and steroid scandals. It doesn’t get any better than this and by that I mean this is the absolute worst. Somewhere Riles best friend Lance is smiling ear to ear, baby blues sparkling.

By Big Cat posted January 30th, 2013 at 8:42 PM

11 Year Old Kid Nails His First Ski Jump

 

Love it when Dad’s do this shit. Has be one of the greatest highlights of parenthood. I mean once you have a kid your life is ruined. All the fun ends and all the work begins. The old lady turns bitter and crusty and everything is focused on raising this half-human. Gotta take advantage where you can and just soak up the little things. Like filming your 11 year old’s first ski jump and then posting it to the Internet when he explodes out of his binding and goes flailing away down a mountain. Just serves as a little reminder who the real alpha is in the house.

By neil posted January 30th, 2013 at 10:15 AM

Can Anyone Lend Me $2,500? I Would Like To Watch The Super Bowl With Adam Schefter And By That I Mean Measure His Body

Well look what we have here. My old friend Adam Schefter whoring himself out for “Memorable Experiences”. Honestly, this needs to happen. I don’t know how it will happen, but this needs to happen. I need to watch a game, have lunch, or “celebrate” in some fashion with Adam Schefter. And when I say all of those things obviously all I want to do is measure his height. So lets cut to the chase Schefter. I just signed up for an account. I submitted a request. Ball is in your court. I’ll bring the tape measure, you bring your midget self. Game on!

 

By Big Cat posted January 30th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Putin Encourage Russians To Bang More To Up The Birth Rate Then Immediately Books Boyz II Men To Play In Moscow Right Before Valentine’s Day

SourcePresident Vladimir Putin’s crusade to raise the country’s birth rate is set to get the support of three powerful voices on its behalf. A baritone and two tenors, that is. The stylish trio of Boyz II Men, the most successful R&B group of all time, is coming to Moscow on Feb. 6. The group will perform a selection of their classic and new romantic ballads, hopefully giving Russian men some inspiration ahead of St. Valentine’s Day.

 

Motherfucker! Putin is so brilliant it’s ridiculous. Just no other way to say it. Everyone else in the world is trying to keep population numbers low with the global crisis and all. Meanwhile Putin sees a gap to fill, hires the greatest R&B group of all-time and tells his whole country to fuck each other and pop out some soldiers. Dude’s just the ultimate chess player. Almost makes me want to re-ignite the Cold War all over again just to get back at him for stealing an American band. Mess up a beet farm or toss some Molotov cocktails through the windows of a sour cream factory or something. Maybe sneak into a Russian’s car and snap some dick shots with their dash cam.

Honestly if I didn’t know any better I’d say the best course of action for us would be to hire those Russian sluts KFC posted as his weekend video a couple weeks back. Just have them perform on national TV like the 12/12/12 concert. Encourage everyone to bang and make babies and then find out the next day that every dude in America jerked off and went to sleep like 30 seconds into the performance and the whole thing was a massive failure. But at least it’d be worth it to see the gap-tooth girl riding shotgun shake her ass a little bit:

By neil posted January 30th, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Chinese Fans Storm The Court And Attack A Ref After Game For Foul Disparities

 

After watching this I am absolutely baffled that Joey Crawford or Dick Bavetta haven’t been mauled during an NBA game. Like these Crazians were losing it over a meaningless Chinese basketball game. You know who the best player in China is right now? Stephon Marbury* or Yao Ming sitting down in a wheelchair with his polio legs. Washed up has beens who can’t play in the NBA. Their games mean nothing. Meanwhile Joey Crawford has done everything from dance like kangaroo during foul calls to ejecting Tim Duncan for laughing on the bench in the greatest basketball league on the planet and gotten off scot-free. And Dick Bavetta is legally blind at this point I’m pretty sure. Dude was born in 1939 for crying out loud. You know how old the average person born in 1939 is? Dead. That’s how old. Yet somehow they’re both still kicking around totally fucking up every game they ref. Doesn’t make any sense.

PS – Pretty sure even Chinese people can’t tell each other apart anymore because that just looked like a gaggle of random Asians swinging fist at each other. Stop breeding you maniacs you’re hitting the wrong guy!

*NO CLUE if this is true anymore. They erected a statue for the guy though so I’m guessing it can’t be far off.

By neil posted January 30th, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Not To Be Outdone By Cubs Convention, Soxfest Was Positively ELECTRIC

If your lights went out over the weekend, its probably because SoxFest was hogging all the electricity. Make’s the Cubs Convention look like kindergarten. Definition of a see and be seen event.

By Big Cat posted January 30th, 2013 at 7:46 PM

Youtube Casanova Makes A Video Asking His Fiance’s Friend To Join Them For A 3-Way And Whoops He Accidentally Sent It Out To Everyone On The Internet

Hey Zoey not sure if you caught that but Zach’s totally up for trying out the three-way thing. Real open to the idea. Could be tonight, later on in the week, few years down the road, 5 seconds from now. Whenever is fine really. If it’s cool with you it appears as though it’s cool with Zach too. Don’t even have to ask. Just know Zach’s open to banging you and his fiance at the same time.

PS – Fucking lost it when he said “I could just about bet that with that, I could possibly show you things that you’d never seen. And maybe we could do things that are never done in a three way.” Yeah you tell her Zach! Make that bitch beg for it bro!

By neil posted January 30th, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Introducing The Ugliest Horse On Planet Earth, Diego, And The Owner’s Who Tried To Make Me Feel Like A Bad Person

Skip to 15:15 for Diego

So in this week’s episode of KFC Radio the question was asked of us, what is the 1 blog you regret writing. And it reminded me of the time on my old website where I wrote a blog about the ugliest horse in the world, Diego, and his stupid owner, some 7 year old girl. KFC said I had to explain it and reblog the story and he’s right. So here’s video of Diego and Maddison being gross together.

And the corresponding story.

Diego has Wry Nose Syndrome, a terrible disease that gives “bent nose and undershot jaw” to the foals it inflicts. Normally, when a pony is this ugly, you kill it, because Wry Nose ugliness correlates with an inability to chew grass. But six-year-old Maddison Biddlecombe—the beautiful, blushing baby of Diego’s owners—fell in love with the monstrosity:

Diego is my best friend and I don’t care what he looks like, to me his face makes him special. He’s so lovely. We have a lot of fun playing games and he likes to chase me around the field. I love him lots and he gives me kisses and cuddles. People shouldn’t say he should be put down because of what he looks like, it doesn’t matter to me.

 

My old blog no longer exists so I can’t go find what I wrote but the jist of it was this. If I was Maddison, I would be fucking FURIOUS if I looked back on my childhood and saw that my parents were letting me hang out with an ugly horse like Diego. FURIOUS. I would probably burn my tongue with acid and throw myself in a well just knowing that I hung out with such a breathtakingly ugly horse. Flat out embarrassing. And I don’t care if you think Diego has a kind soul, or if he  gives the best pony kisses or whatever. That horse is disgusting, Period. It looks gross, it walks gross, probably smells gross too. So for anyone to tell Maddison that Diego is beautiful is both a liar and a terrible human being. Teaching your children that looks and physical attraction don’t matter is fucked up. Because looks do matter, a lot of times they matter the most. The world is run by beautiful people. Why should an ugly horse be the exception?

 

So you’re probably saying to yourself, hey Big Cat, where’s the regret? What part of your perfectly flawless logic do you regret? Well the answer is none of it. Zero. But Maddison and her sister use to email me and leave comments on my Website literally every week telling me I was the worst person in the entire world. They were trying to force regret into my brain. Telling me that Diego, in all his ugly grossness was somehow equal to a human being.

 

Well Charlotte, Maddison, and Diego, its been over 2 years but I just wanted you to know I have not forgotten about you. I still think your horse fucking sucks. I still have no regret for trying to come to Maddison’s defense when no one else in the world had the balls to tell her the truth. And  if being a bad person is hating an ugly horse that makes me want to puke on myself, well then I never wanted to be good in the first place.

 

By Big Cat posted January 30th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Woman Forced To Attend 4th Grade With Her Son Because He’s Too Much Of A Disturbance

Source - Over the last month, St. Louis resident Veronica Williams, pictured above, has been forced into a hellish, “Billy Madison”-esque existence. Williams’ fourth grader attends Barack Obama Elementary (Barack Obama Elementary!), and administrators there allege he has been disrupting class. The school’s solution, apparently, has been to require that either Williams or her partner sit in class with her son. 

Veronica Williams says she went to school with her son for awhile, but can’t afford to do so anymore for fear of losing her job. She says when she stopped going to class her son was kicked out of school and he hasn’t been back in over a week. Veronica Williams says she can’t believe an administrator at Barack Obama Elementary said her 10-year-old son cannot return to school unless she or another adult sits in class with him every day. “It’s frustrating. It’s stressful. It’s ridiculous. I done it for two weeks”, said Williams.

 

What in God’s name is wrong with this woman. Why is she complaining? I would be absolutely thrilled if a school administrator told me I had to go back to 4th grade and sit in with my 10 year old kid everyday. First of all school is WAY more fun than work. And this is coming from a guy who masturbates on the clock at least twice a day. You know how much time I get for recess everyday now? Zero time. If I was in 4th grade I’d be outside right now dominating some basketball and swatting my brat kid’s finger roll right back in his teeth. Hope you got money for the dentist bitch! Because I ain’t got a job anymore because I’m roasting your ass and showing you how to protect the paint.

But I think the real reason I’d go back is I might actually need the education. Like no joke I have completely forgotten or erased some of the key building blocks of being an educated person. I have pretty much no idea what an adverb is anymore. To be perfectly honest I don’t think I was ever sure what it was in the first place. I have completely forgotten my multiplication tables. Do you know what 7 x 6 is? It’s whatever 7 + 7 + 7 + 7 + 7 + 7 comes out to. That’s all I can tell you. I’m not kidding I need the help. I’ve been free falling mentally since I was like 15 years old. Just amazes me that this woman would complain and whine about being handed such a blessing.

 

By neil posted January 30th, 2013 at 3:30 PM
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